Current mood:	accomplished
Entry tags:	caryl, chris, crackfick, hot, nicola, story

Caryl's Crunchy Christmas Crackfic Crossover
If there's a Nobel prize for Literature Written Over MSN Messenger, Chris and I should get it. I even made a hawt little banner for the masterpiece.

Title: Caryl's Crunchy Christmas Crackfic Crossover
Authors: Christopher McPherson and Nicola Wood
Word Count: 4,357
Fandom: Our Lives, Harry Potter, Caryl's Digimon Obession That We Don't Actually Know Anything About, High School Musical, Gilmore Girls, Heroes, Hairspray, Doctor Who, Nazi Germany. I think that's about it...
Pairings (guaranteed that I've missed some out in this list): Chris/Zac Efron, Chris/Caryl, Caryl/Zac Efron, Caryl/Everyone Else In World, Harry Potter/Zac Efron, implied!Nicola/Mr. Wilson, Nicola/Harry Potter, Nicola/Snape, Nicola/Doctor Who, Nicola/Jon Stewart, Sophie/Voldemort, Zac Efron/Vanessa Anne-Hudgens, Caryl/God.
Rating: I don't think there's even a rating for this.
WARNING: Actually really appallingly written. Apparently any grammatical or spelling skills we have go out the window on MSN :P May not make sense in places.




It was a sunny day in pleasantville. Caryl was sunbathing, while watching and having a crush on all the people in the entire world. Included in this group which was labelled by general society as "everyone in the world" was a spiffy young man named Zac Efron. He was sooooo hot that all the girls dropped dead in his vicinity - except for Caryl. Caryl was a real man. And by a real man we mean a girl who has real guts. Real courage. Courage normally found only in men. Gosh we're sexist.

Aaaaanyway, Chris was there too, also swooning like the other girls, but since he was a boy he didn't die. But he was annoying Caryl. Being the smooth criminal she was, Caryl called in her personal swat-team. However, her swat team only had one person in it - Nicola Wood. It wasn't a very effective swat team as its only member was always busy being infatuated with her bearded maths teacher who was "only" five-hundred years older than her. Today was no exception. But Caryl's swat team arrived, albeit rather distracted because she was totally swooning over Zefron too, a bit. But that was enough of a distraction for Harry Potter to try push her down a well.

Nicola didn't feel much pain as she hit the bottom of the [empty] well because her love for the statistician of her dreams dulled the pain. Meanwhile, Caryl and Chris had begun a sort of tug-of-war. Zac Efron was the rope. How could two young friends fight over their mutual love interest?! But Harry Potter also (secretly, but poorly hidden) loved Zac Efron, and tried to cheat Chris (and Caryl, but really, we all know who wants him) out of him by using his paganistic witchcraft which all the hardcore Christians hated and damned those for liking it, like his wingardium leviosa spell.

"CEASE THIS IMMEDIATELY!!!" A Scottish accent suddenly boomed out over the young comrades. It was Mrs. Cook, principal of St. Mary's college. "I WILL NOT HAVE WITCHCRAFT UPON THESE SCARED GROUNDS WHICH ARE MY SCHOOL. NEITHER WILL I HAVE MY WHOLESOME STUDENTS FRATERNIZING WITH STUDENTS FROM SUCH PLACES AS WELLING GIRLS' COLLEGE AND ST. PATRICK'S COLLEGE KILBIRNIE". She said the word Kilbirnie in a way like she thought it was going to be "Silverstream" and had then realised that it was actually a little maggot or something.

Everyone was totally like "wtf mate" because they had no idea they were at St Mary's, except Zac Efron who just winked at Mrs Cook. But since she was devoid of anything related to interesting things or humans in general, she exploded. Which gave Harry enough time and a distraction to whisk away Zefron on his broomstick to the evil capital called Hogwarts, thus developing a proper plot. Or at least the possibility for one

"Who's that walking on MY newly washed floors?!" Screeched Filch, the caretaker, in a way vaguely reminiscent of the troll in the Three Billy-goats' Gruff.
"No one cares about you minor characters, get some major character deeds under your belt and maybe people will notice you" said a narrator of mysterious origin. Only Filch heard him, because everyone else too busy doing something else main character/plot related that they didn't care to even hear the words of a minor character. Filch promptly ran off in to the bathrooms to drink his sorrows away with Moaning Myrtle. Meanwhile, Caryl was having a rather eventful and relevant confrontation with Severus Snape, who was holding Nicola hostage on the roof.

"I will take all of her house points and/or her life unless you give into my demands!" Cried Snape to the worried main characters, including Caryl, and to a lesser extent Chris, who was currently suffering Zefron Withdrawal.
"We must rescue him!" He cried, but Caryl was too busy caring about people with real life importance to worry about Chris. He was so caught up in his sorrows that he had mistaken Nicola for Zac Efron, thus calling her "him". Nicola then laughed out loud randomly at Chris' disappointment due to the intervention of other worldly beings manipulating Chris' words to Nicola's own desires.

Then Snape expelliramus'd Nicola off the top of the tower, a bit like Dumbledore really. Speaking of Dumbledore, he was watching them from wizard!heaven and laughing at their petty bickering. Caryl didn't think it was petty though, because her darling Nicola only had about three more seconds to live.

Three seconds is a very long time when you're falling to your demise. So long in fact Nicola actually aged a year during her fall and missed the application for Head Girl, but luckily Gabriella was at the bottom of Nicola's fall and got crushed, errr I mean, cushioned her fall. Nicola was pretty fine, apart from the fact that she was impaled with several of Vanessa Anne-Hudgens' anorexic bony limbs. Nothing that a few stitches and some disinfectant couldn't fix, but Zac Efron's broken heart was another story. His love had just been crushed to death, that was bad enough. But he was surrounded by groupies and didn't know how to pick which one to rebound on to! They were Hogwarts groupies, at Hogwarts, where Harry Potter had taken him, because that's where he was, because at one point, someone was going to actually have to move in a plot related direction or everyone would die as the world fizzled out of existence

Suddenly a piece of paper fell out of the sky, surrounded in a holy light. It had "PLOT" written on it in big neon writing. As Caryl opened it, she saw instructions written in what she instantly recognized as God's handwriting. It read:
"TO DO:
- Find the End of Pi
- Prove Pythagoras' Theorem wrong
- Bake muffins
COMPLETE BY FRIDAY OR I WILL SMITE YOU KBYE"

Chris snatched the piece of paper and wrote “Rescue Zac” on the bottom before handing it back to Caryl
“That's better.”

But then Nicola was like "These tasks are impossible! Where the hell are we gonna find a muffin mix?!"
They needed a mastermind, and fast - it was Wednesday night! The only mastermind who didn't refuse to associate themselves with our young heroes was Marzie, and she was in Germany. So off our heroes set to Germany on stolen fire bolt broomsticks! On the way from Scotland to Germany they stopped off in Auckland to pick up a "request for extension" NCEA form to give to God, asking for an extension to the time they had been allocated to complete their quest.

God looked at Nicola's life transcript and was like "Ummmmmmmm, you've committed 13541514235123 bad deeds in your life, 1541345132513452345235234 morally grey ones and 7 good ones, all 7 involving English, maths related jokes and cake. I'm sorry, but I can't allow you an extension. Take this time travelling Asian instead, who can't teleport so your adventure will have some difficulty to it." Hiro popped up: "YATAAAAA NEW YORK!", but then was like “wtf” when he realised he was in Auckland, a crappy city in New Zealand.

Luckily Nicola was carrying her handy-dandy floo power with her; she took it everywhere she went. Her and Hiro scurried along to find the nearest fireplace that contributed to the Auckland smog cloud, and jumped in to it (much to the dismay of its owners). A moment later, they had arrived in a lounge with some people in it, who were speaking in a language that consisted of words that sounded "swastika" "Schwarzenegger" and "schnitzel", but weren't.

"YAATAAAAA BERLIN!", they both chorused as they triumphantly thrust their fists in the air.
"Er, hi Nix..." said a rather confused looking Sophie Barclay. Oh no! They had gone to the house of the wrong long blonde haired kiwi exchange student in Germany!
"We can't accept this!" said Chris. See, he thought Sophie was cool, but they needed Marzie. Chris had lack-of-Marzie-itus, so he was sad. But he was soon happy when he noticed Sophie had Rory and Lorelai - his favourite Gilmore girls - over for a party. Not to mention that Zac Efron had strutted in again as well, with some muffin mix. Suddenly Chris had an idea - they could get SOPHIE to bake the muffins!

"Yaya!" cried Chris, because they had solved the 2 easiest problems with the help of Zac (they had had to rescue him), and the muffin mix was now sorted also. But then things started going crazy, when a rip in space occurred and Ryo, Caryl's digimon crush popped out with his forgotten (therefore unnamed) digimon partner. Also in tow was Muffinmon, the muffin digimon of the good tasting group of digimon.

Maybe this rip in the time/space continuum had been caused by the End of Pi, which they coincidentally happened to be looking for! However the only person they knew who knew about bending the space/time continuum was their buddy Hiro. Hiro was present, but he didn't speak English. This was a bit of a problem; nobody knew anyone who spoke Japanese. Chris was the closest, maybe Caryl too because of their obsession with Japanese things including songs and games. But that wasn't enough for Hiro. "Hi!" went Pi, who ate Muffinmon

Then Zac ate the End of Pi.

So now with Zac, they only had one more task. Unfortunately, due to their party with the Gilmore girls, it was Friday afternoon, so they had but a few hours to solve a question that had befuddled man kind (IE English students) since its creation.

“To Mr. Wilson's office!" Announced Nicola. She announced this quite often, but at least this time she had a non-incriminating reason for it. Maybe her maths teacher would help them prove Pythagoras wrong. Only probably not because a maths teacher proving him wrong would be equivalent to kicking their grandmother in the face, but it was worth a try.

"I thought we would ask Marzie, since she's right here" said Chris, as he pulled Marzie out of his pocket, who then grew to normal proportion/size. "Guten tag!" she said, before getting annoyed at Nix.
"How dare you try to undermine pi?!” she cried, before eating her answer.

Then it struck Nicola. Something horrible. To give the End of Pi to God, they would have to hand over Zefron! For Zefron had ingested the End of Pi! She promptly informed her co-stars of this setback.
“Nooooo!” Chris cried, before Zac spoke in a holy voice with light shining on him and a chorus in the background. Everybody thought it was heavenly, only Caryl, the observant one, noticed the East High School Choir in the back practising and the cracks in the East high cafeteria ceiling.

"It turns out that I, Zefron, am actually God!" No one was surprised.

But then they were angry. Even Chris, the most loyal of Zefron's groupies.
"How dare you set us such a hard quest of chores for you and threaten to smite us?!" Our heroes demanded. Heroes they were indeed, they had a HQ and everything, a giant S, their team was called STUPID (Stupid Teens Undercover as People In Disguise)

God (now known to be Zefron) was lost for words. They'd definitely backed him in to a corner here. He had to incriminate one of them, and quick. Then he realised that he had plenty of incriminating evidence.
"CARYL IT CAN STAY SECRET NO LONGER!" He roared, "EVERYONE, I'VE BEEN SLEEPING WITH CARYL! You know how she recognized "God's" handwriting? It was mine. And she recognized it! That means that she's slept with me countless times!"

Chris felt betrayed, his one love taken by one of his best friends. "I thought that we could have been heroes, forever and ever, but no, the show can no longer go on!" he shouted at Zac, before bursting into tears and running away

"No Chris! Wait!" Caryl ran after him (mistakenly thinking that SHE was the one he loved) off in to the forbidden forest (because they were somehow magically back at Hogwarts), past all the hypogriffs and giant spiders and in to a magical little clearing with a gingerbread cottage and a waterfall made of lemonade. It was beautiful. "Chris wait!'

But it was too late, Chris had already joined a travelling musical that would travel the entire world, but never NZ, because NZ sucks for everything foreign. Especially Caryl. Caryl was the suckiest foreign thing in NZ. She had slept with Zefron. Who knows what sort of musical STIs she could've contracted!

Caryl ate some gingerbread and drank some lemonade. While Chris was touring the world, Zefron turned up to the gingerbread house and offered Caryl a single red rose. She began to eat the gingerbread house. Zac et her do this because it wasn't actually Zac, but secretly a wicked old witch (not to be confused with the poor, misunderstood Elphaba, the Wicked Witch of the West) who wanted to eat Caryl.

"Why Zac, what lovely eyes you have!" Caryl exclaimed delightedly.
"All the better to look at you with my dear" he replied in a sultry tone. 'Zac' had an evil plan to get all makey-outey with Caryl on the gingerbread bed and then eat her like the wicked witch he really was. This plan was foiled when Caryl ate the bed, luckily.

She had only temporarily foiled it though, because she was still totally unaware of the fairytale stories being re-enacted around her (why this was happening is irrelevant). We blame this horrible ignorance on our darned politically correct society who view fairy tales as totally paganistic and must be destroyed and replaced with pleasant stories about Hoeina and the brothel of wonder, and other related stories called Supré that are training the youth of tomorrow to be whores.

But more relevant to this newly-born plot was Caryl's impending doom. It was a very morbid doom that was looming closer and closer. There was even "Jaws" music played by an invisible orchestra as her doom got closer and closer but Caryl didn't actually hear it because her senses were impaired by her infatuation with 'Zac'.

The music got louder and louder as the witch loomed behind Caryl (apparently she had fattened up enough in the past few minutes of eating) with a very mean and self-centred cutlery set, including a dessert spoon, which she held in her third arm. Then Nix and Chris burst in, And threw the orchestra down the well conveniently located in the witch's kitchen. By ending the sinister music, they had solved the problem and the witch disappeared and they were now left in the gingerbread house.

There was an awkward silence, as tends to happen after you've just saved someone's life.
"I would hug you Caryl, but you slept with Zefron." Chris announced, rather scornfully. Nobody could hug Nix because she was on the roof eating the candy-cane chimney. This was a perfect opportunity for Caryl to apologise for being a ho-bag with Zefron, but would she take the opportunity? From deep within the well came atmospheric music as the orchestra set the scene for Caryl's big decision. To apologise or not to apologise, that was the question.

"I accept your apology" said Chris before she had had the chance to say anything at all.
"Thanks" she replied. Party poppers were used and balloons popped out of the cupboards in celebration of the only sentence that had been spoken in recent past that made sense and could actually be considered as decently related to anything

As the streamers of the party poppers drifted to the ground, Nix came back in to the gingerbread house through the hole she'd just gnawed in the roof.
"OHMIGOD!" She flailed her arms at the pile of streamers on the ground. They had fallen in the shape of a right-angled triangle, where it was quite obvious that if c was the hypotenuse, a² plus b² definitely did not equal c².
"EUREKA!!!!" She cried, taking a celebratory bite out of the door frame. Obviously this solved all of their problems, despite the fact that no one believed Nicola could apply Pythagoras' Theorem in a mathematical situation in a controlled environment such as a class without making an “English is better than maths” related comment to her teacher or speaking French to Marzie, let alone with confetti on the floor in an obscure shape (it was a circle).
God (and Zac) ignored this fact and instead celebrated the successful nature of their quest with pie, lots of pie. And inviting the entire cast of High School Musical to sing and dance in their honour.
Everyone came along. Even the antagonists like Snape and Harry Potter. That was quite nice, really, they all had a little tea party together and all took turns at getting married to Caryl. Then Chris threw Harry down the well, because he was totally over him and his bloody scar. He then befriended Hermione and Ron, and they had their own amazing adventures, split up into seven easy to read and convenient novels written in third person despite their autobiographical nature which increased in size with every volume in order to answer all the questions that everyone wanted to know but the author didn't have enough books to fit into. The first one was called Chris McPherson (and friends) [by this time Hermione and Ron wanted a share of the industry they had originally gotten ripped out of because they thought it was lame, but were really the key characters because without them Harry would suck and be friendless with Malfoy] and the epic High School Musical Adventure of Fun, Adventure and Doom. Ron left during the fourth book (entitled Chris McPherson (and friends) and the Time-travelling Machine that Lead Only to 1962 in the Small Town of Baltimore) after he got AIDS when he starred in the Broadway musical 'Rent' and was condemned to House imprisonment because he was a liar/sex-addict and the government was worried that he'd give everyone AIDS by having sex and not telling the partner he had it. He died a few months after when he lost his entire fan base, because they realised that without any magical adventures, Ron was really quite lame and had a bad personality (except Mrs. Ron, his one true fan who changed her name to Ronina Ron and married him when he was drunk and claimed 3/4 of his fortune, which consisted of 34 cents. Mrs. Ron was unimpressed.)

But even after all these adventures, Chris' heart was still empty. Something was missing. He saw Nicola once a fortnight (turns out she was actually his daughter and he won a custody battle with his estranged drunken Vegas stripper wife to see her once a fortnight), so Nicola wasn't the missing piece in the puzzle of his soul. It was a rather intriguing matter.

Chris Gasped! "Another plot opportunity! I mean, umm, what a puzzling conundrum" He tried watching High School Musical, Rent, Wicked and Rent, but he couldn't find out what was missing. He had a strange feeling that it was something that rhymed with "barrel", but he couldn't quite put his finger on it. It wasn't Will Ferrell. Next on his list of things to try were some Christmas Carols.

"Something’s not right, really wroooooooooonnngggg, and we've got to get things back where they belooooooooonnnnnnnnnnnnnggggggg" sung Chris, because he was confused in a cross-movie way. Nicola replied with "We can do it!!! because we're all in this together!!!" Then, someone who was reasonably practical, ummm, practical, lets say.... Johanna, slapped Nicola to remind her to get her head in the game. Then Johanna was like “crap” and poofed in a puff on not-so-logic.

Chris blinked confusedly, and then put on a CD of his favourite Christmas songs. On came the BandAid song about feeding the world. It was Chris' favourite song. It's was Caryl's favourite song too, he thought. Then it came to him like a lightning bolt.
"CARYL!" It had been Caryl missing to him all this time! When he'd heard their favourite song, he'd instantly known that they belonged together. She was the music in him.

“NANANA, NANANA, NANANAAAAAAAAAAA, you are the music in me.” Caryl popped out through a void in space created through her desire to become a digidestined. She had returned because Kari thought she was gonna steal all the men from her, cause Caryl was totally hot

Over the last fifty years (the time that had passed since they'd all gone their seperate ways after completing their quest of proving various mathematical theorems wrong and baking muffins which had actually concluded in casting Zefron in to the fire of Mount Doom), Caryl had indeed become even hotter than she was before. All the males within a fifty meter radius of where they were standing splatted in to her all of a sudden - she was a guy magnet. Literally. The digiworld does strange things to you. Like making you magnetic. She had warped physics as we know it, and now the scientists wanted to capture her and study her to develop the Essence of Caryl and reverse it so they could get some hot girls, because scientists are usually unattractive to the good looking girls, who for some reason seem to be all whorey and totally swoon over guys who are asses and beat them up

"NOOO WE MUST SAVE HER!" Yodelled Sophie heroically, who had been busy invading Switzerland during the last half century. The scientists' laser gun beams that they had been going to non-fatally capture Caryl with hit Sophie very fatally and she died in her efforts to protect Caryl. From then on, that day was a day of national mourning and remembrance where everyone ate cake. Everyone was really sad because Sophie was dead so unnecessarily. I mean dying for Caryl AND a piece of cake would have been worth it, but it was questionable without the piece of cake. And there had not been a piece of cake.

So during that day, everyone ate cake and yodelled, and spoke German. If you couldn't speak German, you'd either spend the day in silence or die. Just like that, dead. It turns out on the date next year, nearly everyone in the world died, except Germany.

But the really big catch was that Sophie wasn't actually dead and she had faked her own death so that she could go off and join Voldemort's ranks of Death Eaters, who did annual holocausts for cheap thrills. This is why her friends happened to be the only non-Germans who didn't die, along with most other people because Sophie really was quite nice and mass genocides weren't really her thing.

And everyone loved Sophie and named a country after her, like they also did with Faye. It was a little place that used to be called Kazakhstan, but they had thought that 'Sophie' had a better ring to it. Everyone walked around in Borat swimsuits and had long blonde hair as a tribute to Sophie. Only the hair was a tribute to her, Borat swimsuits weren't really her niche. In fact they were so gross that aliens came and solved world hunger (and by aliens, we mean Faye).

Faye was pretty great really. She was like Mother Theresa but with the added bonus of sexual favours. She set her friend Nicola up in a loving (albeit polygamous) relationship with her maths teacher, Harry Potter, Snape, Doctor Who and Jon Stewart. Everyone went to their wedding, which actually went quite well until Sophie turned up with Voldemort on her arm. Everyone was happy, and happiness made Voldemort's pet dementors a bit hungry for souls. Which generally wasn't a very good thing when coupled with the fact that Sylar was hiding behind the tree waiting to eat peoples' brains.

He was after Voldemort's brain, because he thought he could become a wizard. He suffered from loneliness and wanted to be included. You see, the cause of Sylar's brain-eating was along the same lines as Hitler hating Jews because they didn't let him in to their art school. Sylar had keenly awaited going to Hogwarts as a child, only to find out that he was a squib. He had dedicated the rest of his life to eating the brains of "special" people, hoping that one day his new powers (gained through brain-eating) would get him accepted in to the prestigious school.

But since Dumbledore was dead and Professor McGonagall was kind of against brain eating, he was denied entry (despite his super powers, by which we mean his super meanness). This was when Claire Bennett popped up, so that she could come to the rescue and regenerate the party back to life.


It was really cool. Everyone had come with really lovely presents for the bride. Chris gave her some paradoxes, Sophie gave her a lovely t-shirt with the Dark Mark on it, and Caryl gave her colonial rights to the Philippines.

Then they threw Caryl a party, because it seemed relevant to the overall purpose of things. Everyone was there including the Pope, James Dean, Ashley Tisdale, Belle and her husband the beast. Plus some others too unimportant to include, like Taylor McKenzie (can't spell her last name) from HSM (you might need to look it up) because she was a terrible person and no one liked her and her husband the camel.

Even Helen Clark was there, but this was a terrible and fatal mistake. For when they cranked out the karaoke, and Nicola and Helen Clark sang in harmony, it was a harmony that had not been sung since the dawning of time when it had been the catalyst for the Big Bang, thus causing the creation of the universe. This time it caused something rather the opposite - the Big Smoosh. Everything imploded (including Mount Doom and Zefron) as the world as we know it came to an end.

The End.